The Guardians

reddirtlattes/ September 13, 2014/ Uncategorized/ 12 comments

  • To the office of the security company that guards my home:

    Dear sirs,

    I want to thank you for the men and women you have sent to keep me and my family safe, and for your non-stop support of my husband, and I, and our children. From that first day I have felt as light as air, basking in the professionalism around me, wonderfully ensconced in your protective shield, and still today stand in awe of your quick response when I have needed you.

    Like that first day, when that wonderful guard scared me so much by stalking me around my home. I am sure I was just being silly old me. I mean what’s a stalker anyway? Okay, yes she was peaking in my windows and standing at my door, but hey, maybe she just really likes wood and glass. But dear wonderful sirs, you came so quickly and were so so kind about my suggestion that since she had a gun and perhaps because I was fearing her more than any outside intruder that maybe we could just get a new guard.

    And a new guard you did bring! And she was lovely. Oh, so lovely. My 7 year old daughter especially liked her when she cornered her while sobbing because the night guard was late to relieve her one day and poured out her troubles until my daughter was sobbing and running to me. My 7 year old daughter! Oh, but sure, kids today need a little reality check, and it was probably just me being old worried mom again, but once again you rushed to my side and assured me you were working so hard to find us that perfect match.

    And I thought we had. Mark was sweet. I liked Mark. He sat and guarded and kept to himself. But oh, you sneaky sirs, you came and got him didn’t you. What was that you said? He drinks? Oh, okay, looking out for me! I could feel the father-figure dripping out of you and was such a little girl in your palm of your hand as you whisked Mark away, and that is, of course, when the revolving door of guards really began.

    But sirs, I don’t blame you for the theft that occurred in the wake of that. Silly old me again, leaving something on my deck, in my home, on my property. I mean really, what was I thinking? And I do know how busy you are, perhaps finding that nice Mark another job, so I don’t want to bother you with my little issues.

    And I don’t blame you either for the two people who showed up who did not know how to open a gate. On the contrary, I was deeply touched to see that you have absolutely no requirements for your employees and that just about anyone who walks into your office can get a job and be handed a gun and sent to someone’s home.

    I especially like the three you sent this last week, and really feel you’ve been saving the best for last. That one gentleman you sent who left to go have lunch was really a sweet one, but he has nothing on the lovely guy who disappeared and then climbed over the wall to get back in when we locked him out. Now that is talent!

    And who can forget that wonder of all wonders who decided to bathe on the property and had to run half naked through our yard when he realized we were leaving and needed to open the gate. I must say, he can really run and I highly recommend him for any upcoming team building sports days you might have.

    But, sirs. Dear dear sirs, nothing could have prepared me for what you brought us last night. And still this following night I cannot believe what a gift you are to the United Nations, who employ you to keep their staff safe. We have already spoken to the guard in question and have given him our deepest gratitude as well, because truly, what else could he have been doing but fertilizing our garden when he sat down and defecated in it.


    Sabrina Lloyd

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  1. Oh my goodness Sabrina this is horrible. Just horrible. Love you.

  2. Please, PLEASE, tell us you wrote this post as a joke, and none of it is true!!

  3. Sabrina, your post would make for a funny sitcom if it wasn’t for being true. That must be both infuriating and worrisome especially with two children. I wish you the best regarding your current situation, you are a truly unique and gifted writer. Thank you.

  4. Good golly miss molly-that’s just downright pitiful!

  5. I’m dismayed that you and your family had to endure such frightening incompetence, I sincerely hope that your circumstances improve, all the best to you and yours.

  6. Sabrina, A possible solution to your problem is to have your husband or you push the United Nations to spend more money and hire a competent security firm to provide security for its UN employees and dependents. For its top level diplomats and mission executives I am sure they don’t hire hourly wannabe cops off the streets to provide security.

    Is Uganda a security risk in its capital Kampala where dependents need protection? If so, then the UN should provide proven competent security in a high risk assignment for dependent families, and not on the cheap.

    Short of that, what your family needs is a guardian angel, not with the red berets but a dog or one of those ominous looking monkey visitors on a leash.

    In a more serious vein, without the dangers concomitant with possessing firearms, a good item to have in every room is a small fire extinguisher. It makes a good weapon of protection during an emergency. The spray goes a long distance and can temporarily blind a perpetrator. At close quarters, the metal container can provide a good whack on the head. And, in case of mistaken identity, it is not likely to be lethal but yet get the job done.

    As a last resort, a small vial of pepper spray attached to your key ring may offer some sort of protection. As a former chairman of a large university department, I often had to be a fireman putting out problem fires. I knew how to be creative.
    As a very creative person I am sure you can determine what would be best for you and your family. After all, when it comes to the well-being of your family, you should be able to fill the role of a Mama Bear. Growl. Ouch. Besides, you were an ex-FBI agent on numbers!

    Take care, Seymour Schwartz

  7. Oh wow. That’s just crazy.

  8. LOL can i get a reference letter from you Sabrina. Sweet Jesus, i hope this was just a funny story out of the blue, if not come back home or go back to Italy. I know you would be safer there until then you will be in my prayers, yup from an ol’ army boot type. Capt stripes out.

  9. Passive aggressive much? lol I enjoyed the SportsNight reunion article in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. Just curious if they asked you to be in the reunion photo? Anyway, good luck with those security guards. Walt

    1. Hi Walt. They did ask me, but I couldn’t make it to LA.

  10. Sabrina,

    This made me chuckle. I am so sorry that your daughter had to endure that. I have a 5 year old and she is as precious to me as your daughter is to you so I can well imagine the upsetting nature of the situation. I might not have handled it with your grace. Ok lets face it, I probably would have had to hold back my wife.

    Working in Physical Security details over the last 20 years taught me a lot about the outside world as I’ve stood “Watches” on foreign soil with foreign nationals. Its different. It takes some getting used to, and most importantly, you have to stay on your toes more so than when you’re by yourself.

    I have seen some exceedingly skilled people do that job, but I have also seen some exceedingly inept people fail at it. For instance, while in India, the guy who slept through the whole watch and his relief who stood five feet from him for 3 hours before realizing the man who he came to relieve had been asleep behind the desk the whole time. Then proceeded to kick him relentlessly for falling asleep. I named them sleepy and grumpy. Sleepy came back the next night though ready to perform for us all over again.

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank your husband for his immense fortitude and bless you all again for the sacrifices you and your family make.

    Very Respectfully,

    R. Anderson

  11. Sabrina, You are amazing! You add such a good humor to your enapt situation When I read the last paragraph, I could not keep myself from laughing out loud, But, then I felt a little embarrassed because the situation is real & very frightening. We will be praying for you & your family for safety. Love, S Lloyd

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